Many people look forward to their wedding day for years and years. For brides, it’s a day that they dream about from the time they are little girls. When you finally meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with—it can make the excitement grow even more.
Sometimes, while we spend months planning a wedding, life can get in the way and things can happen out of the blue. Things fall apart, life gets messy, and reality can get in the way of our “picture perfect” day. Regardless of what happens, one thing is for sure—a wedding can always be postponed. Life, however, cannot.
This actually happened about 5 months ago, but since my girlfriend (no longer engaged) refuses to let it go, and I honestly don’t think I’m in the wrong, I figured I’d ask for an outside opinion.
Now, my biological mother is a useless drug addict that I’ve never cared for nor wished to pursue a relationship with. She left me with my grandma and I was raised by her since birth. I have always and will always consider my grandma my real “mother” because she raised me and cared for me all my life.
About a year ago, we (me and my uncles) had to put grandma in a care home. This was a hard decision to make, but we simply didn’t have the means to care for her properly anymore even with her carer’s help. She had a lot of age related health issues as well as dementia.
Fast forward to my wedding, a few days beforehand we get a call from the care home saying grandma’s condition was deteriorating rapidly and she most likely would pass away in the next day or so. My uncles and I immediately went down there and spent the entire time by her side.
She doesn’t pass as soon as expected and it extends up until the day of my wedding. I called my fiancée multiple times and explained we had to postpone the wedding. Not only was I not in the best state of mind (again, she’s my mother to me) but I needed to be by her side when she passed. I felt sick at the idea of not being there when I could.
My fiancée was extremely (to put it mildly) opposed to this and insisted I get ready as soon as possible. She obviously did not want months of planning to go to waste, and I understand that it definitely sucks. She also said there was no point in me being there since she won’t even know I’m there due to her dementia. I understand why it might seem like that to her, but to me it didn’t matter if she realised I was there or not. I just felt I had to be there with my uncles.
She ended up passing the night of my wedding. My fiancée didn’t talk to me for roughly two weeks before we finally began patching things up. She said I was completely assholish to her and humiliated her by not showing up. She thinks that as my fiancée she should take top priority no matter what. My opinion is that weddings can be rescheduled (albeit costly) and being with my grandma when she passed was more important.
So yeah that’s the back story. We have both agreed to go with the majority judgement given here and move on from it. Will answer questions when possible but will refrain from defending myself in order to be fair to my GF.
Reddit users unanimously agreed that the girlfriend was clearly mental and the boyfriend did the absolute best thing he could have done. Weddings can always be postponed—death cannot.
How the hell could you even expect your fiance to even remotely make it through your wedding when his mother figure is literally in the process of dying?? And then somehow think it’s okay to play down the emotional severity (just because she had dementia doesn’t mean dying surrounded by her loved ones was meaningless to grandma or her loved ones), plus ignore your fiance for two weeks while he’s grieving. What. the f**k. is wrong with this woman??
The “I should always be most important” argument rings hollow with me. Why? Because it is all about the context. A spouse wanting you to go to the grocery for milk is not more important than caring for a sick friend (as an example).
Here, we have two major life events — a wedding and a death. We have two important people in your life. One can be rescheduled and one cannot. Simple: postpone the wedding and be with your grandparent.
And here is where I judge her harshly: If you had done the wedding, it would have been the biggest regret of your life. And you would have hated the wedding itself and, ultimately, likely resented her as well. She was putting her very narrow interests over your well being and honoring someone important to you.
Yes I get when you marry someone you are creating a new family with that person. But to me it’s pretty basic. If she loved you like she says and like you believed, the minute your grandma (who if I read between the lines is your world when it comes to family) was going down, she should have rallied her family and friends and started calling every guest to explain that a family emergency has occurred and that the wedding is still going to happen but right now the man she loves needs her and so the wedding will be rescheduled.
The fact is that if you look at the basic wedding vows, the key to them is that you are agreeing to support that person through every good and bad moment in life. She had a chance to do that even before taking the vow and she failed. If she was upset about not getting to marry you, she could have supported you through your sadness then you both could have popped over to a courthouse or called a local Minister and rectified that situation. Sounds like the wedding itself with it’s pomp and circumstance was what really mattered in this case.
I hope you really look at that before you move forward together. Yeah the invested money in a ceremony and party was probably a hit, but no money will ever be equivalent to the final moments you had with your grandma.
what’s really telling about your girlfriends character ( or lack thereof) is her statement, “There was no point in me being there since she won’t even know I’m there due to her dementia.” RUN. If she couldn’t empathize and mourn the death of your mother figure with you, she clearly isn’t the one for you.
As a nurse who deals with death, dementia & Alzheimer’s quite frequently, her statement is absolutely disgusting. Yes your grandma may have lost her ability to speak, take care of herself, and remember your name, but don’t doubt that some part of her recognized you. Your voice, your presence, your touch. Dying is scary business, but I’m sure that some part of her took comfort in you being there with her, and I hope you take comfort from that knowledge as well. That being said I’m so sorry for your losses. Your mother, and the woman you wanted to make your wife.